Things Could Have Been Different

Warning to those reading. This is going to get deep and personal so please stop reading now if you 1. Plan to criticize me on my deep dark thoughts or 2. Can’t handle people having an opinion that differs from yours 

This year especially there has been a lot of controversy over the topic of abortion, and if it should be legal or illegal for women to terminate their pregnancy with or without a health related reason. First let me say that I have been and always will be a pro choice person. What you do with your personal life and your body has absolutely nothing to do with my life or my body so why should I (or anyone else) care about what decisions you make? Do I believe in abortions and terminating pregnancies? No I don’t, believe in them, but again I am a pro choice supporter so whatever you decide to do with your pregnancy is between you, your partner and your doctor. 

I always told myself I would never get an abortion because that’s just not part of my belief system, but, if we are being honest and I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, I strongly thought about terminating my pregnancy when I first discovered my ex cheated on me. 

I was so depressed and heart broken over what he had done to me. Him leaving me was heartbreaking enough, but finding out he had cheated and was now in a relationship with this person only a week later was the icing on the cake. I was blindsided by his actions and I could barely take care of myself. I had very dark days of not eating anything, no motivation to get out of bed and contemplating whether I wanted to keep this baby or not.

I had always pictured myself pregnant with my forever person, dreaming of having the most perfect baby who would be half me and half the person I would love forever. But in my case my child was going to be half me and half the person who shattered me into a million pieces. I didn’t want to walk around with the “shame" of carrying a child whose father was disloyal to me and his unborn child. 

I specifically remember one night I was crying in bed when my mom came to comfort me, and the only thing I said to her in between sobs was “I don’t want to have this baby anymore”. She didn’t say anything to me, maybe she didn’t hear me or maybe she just brushed the comment off because she knew I was very upset and wasn’t thinking clearly. She just held me until eventually I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I still thought about ending my pregnancy. How was I going to take care of a baby by myself? How was I going to walk around with the reminder of what my sons father had done to me? Could I even afford to raise a child on my own? How was I going to raise a baby and go to school full time so I could finish my degree and give my baby the life he deserves? I thought about this for most of the morning and it wasn’t until I looked at myself in the mirror, looked down at my belly realizing that it had gotten bigger that I began to cry. How could I have even thought about getting an abortion when a family is something I had wanted for the longest time. Yes, I would be a single mother, but I was going to be the most kick ass single mother I could be. I was depressed when my sons father first left me, and I didn't think I could raise this child without him. But here I am, doing everything by myself and kicking ass at it.

Now that I am almost 31 weeks I can’t picture my life without my son. He’s the center of my world, and the light of my life and he isn’t even born yet. My son is the reason I have been so strong throughout this pregnancy, everything I am doing I am doing for him. I want to be the best mother I can be for him. Nine more weeks until I can meet my baby boy. Nine more weeks until I can kiss the face who has made me the strongest version of myself. Nine more weeks until I become a mother.