Single and Not Ready to Mingle?

It’s been over a month since my ex left, and I’ve honestly never been happier. Yes at first i was devastated and heart broken. But after a few short weeks (well long weeks of no sleep and crying) I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. If he couldn’t see the amazing and loving person that i was then it was his loss, not mine.

I changed my outlook on the situation and made it positive. Yeah I lost the person I thought i loved, but i gained a baby boy (still cannot believe i am having a son) who will need me and love me unconditionally. I woke up happier, I worked out more often, and I started to go out and hang with my friends who I needed so badly but was too proud to admit.

No where in my mind was I on the hunt for a new person to share my life with. I was focusing on myself and feeling so much better for the positive changes I had made. But in walked a person out of no where who was so kind and thoughtful and really tried to support me when he found out what i was going through. I was thankful for the new friendship i gained with him and then was frightened by the feelings that came with it. I wasn’t ready to start something with anyone, I still don’t think I am ready to start something with anyone. But he was so amazing and kind it was hard to not be interested. Like I always do I hid my feelings because who wants to get involved with someone who is 5 months pregnant? He would have to be absolutely crazy to want that kind of commitment with someone he just kind of met. I was protecting my own heart and putting the needs of my son before my own. I told myself time and time again that I didn’t need another thing added to my crazy life right now. But every time I pulled away a part of me resented that decision. I went back and fourth with myself for a few weeks:

“I deserve to be happy and to have someone who cares for me”

“You are pregnant with someone else’s son how is that going to look?”

Inner arguments are always the worst because you never really win or lose, you just keep going back and fourth until an outside party makes the decision for you.

Well, it turned out that I never had to make the final decision. He had his own things going on and decisions he had to make for himself. I supported him and told myself and him, that I would be a friend and support system to him like he did for me.

This experience taught me a valuable lesson.

1. I am not ready to get back out there and date, especially in todays society and if that person cannot commit to the level I need. My son and I deserve so much more than uncertainty and I won’t allow anyone to walk into our lives if they can easily walk out.

2. It is okay to walk away when you aren’t receiving what you want. Don’t settle for what you are given. Strive to find something better for yourself and when you do, fight like heck to keep it.

Baby Boy and I will be just fine on our own and one day there will be someone who walks into our lives and never wants to leave. But for now, I am content third wheeling with friends and preparing things for my baby boy.