By myself

It's hard. It is hard to go through pregnancy by yourself. It's hard setting up the nursery and getting everything ready by yourself. It's hard not having a partner along for this adventure. I have my family, and I have my friends but it is not the same as it would be if I was sharing this with someone who loved me. It is not how I pictured doing things. This is not how I imagined starting a family would be like. This is the complete opposite of how I thought I wanted things to be.

I've been emotional lately, especially since having my baby shower. It was hard to put on a happy face and greet and talk with family members and friends when I wasn't feeling the same. Sitting there and opening all the amazing gifts people bought for my son, and just wishing I was sharing this moment with the person I was starting a family with. Wishing I could turn to him and show him "how adorable" the PJ set was, or laugh at the cute sayings on all of the onesies. Wishing I could share all of this with the person I was starting a family with. Putting everything away in the nursery, and organizing everything is something we could have done together. Something we could have done on a Sunday afternoon with Willow getting in the way because she is so needy.

But, that's not how it is. The way I pictured this all in my head is not how reality is playing out. There has been a different plan given to me, and I am going to embrace and accept it. I put on a happy face and I enjoyed myself at my baby shower. I looked around at all of the people there for me and my son, from both sides of the family and felt blessed. I opened all of the gifts and was able to turn and look at my best friends and tell them how cute the PJ set was, and we all laughed at the cute sayings on the onesies. I set up the nursery with the help of my parents. Organized the clothes, diapers, wipes, and everything else by myself and with my mom. I put the stroller together by myself, and I am in the process of getting my sons room all set for his arrival, by myself. I am doing it, and it is not how I pictured my first pregnancy or starting a family, but I am doing it, and I am doing it without you.

I don't miss my sons father. I don't think I am missing out on anything not having him here with me, but he is. Yeah, it would have been a dream if he stuck around and we stayed together, but God knew I needed someone who would love me unconditionally for me, that's why he kicked him out of my life and gave me a son. So yes this is all harder to do by myself, but I am doing it by myself and I wouldn't have it any other way.