Love

Four small letters, one big meaning.

Defined as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person: attraction that includes sexual desire: the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship.

Love is something we all feel; love is something we all dream of having. Love is something I had. It was the good kind. The kind that drove me crazy in a good way, the kind that made me stay awake at night smiling, the kind that gave me butterflies when I thought of it. The kind that broke me, into a million of pieces. The kind that left me feeling empty, lying awake at night wondering where it all went wrong, the kind that filled my stomach with anxiety and an uneasy feeling, instead of the butterflies I once had. I had love, a fierce, strong and passionate love. But, my love left, and with it my love took my heart.

I hated love. I hated anything that had to do with being in love. I looked at love in such a negative way. I got angry and jealous when I saw two people so in love with each other, “It doesn’t last” is what I would think to myself. This is how I felt when my love went away; angry and bitter. It took time, for me to realize that I didn’t hate love, I didn’t hate anything about love, I hated the type of love that broke my love, who tried to take my heart and everything else that came with it. I didn’t hate love, I loved love.

I wasn’t looking for love. I wasn’t looking for anything. But I found love. I found love everywhere I went. In the grocery store between a mother and her children. Out to breakfast between a couple. Between the old couple walking in the park, and even between friends. Love was everywhere. Love was all over, and it was up to me to allow myself to feel it again. I wasn’t looking for love, but I was dreaming about love. I was dreaming about a love that would find me. Dreaming of a love that would love me for all my qualities, the good and the bad. Dreaming of a love that would show up to check on me when I had a bad day. Surprise me at work because they just wanted to see me smile. Send me flowers because they knew how much I adored them. I dreamed of having a love so intense that no matter where we were in the world, we could still feel that love thousands of miles away. This was the love I dreamed of, and one day this was the love that would find me, unexpectedly, out of nowhere. Maybe when I am grocery shopping with my little peanut or taking a walk in the park with Willow. This love would find me, maybe not next week, month, or year. But this love would find me, and this love would stay forever. I hoped.